Remembrance

The past few months have seemed to be an eternity for her. An eternity that had no beginning or no past. An eternity that might have a future. Might. It is this very volatility of the future that makes the present an eternity. The memories of her life before is what she fondly remembers, but doesn’t recall. Helpless. Hopeless. Soulless. But never fearless. Her cerebrum deteriorates. Slowly and slowly, but all at once. She looks at herself in the mirror, finds an ghost reflecting back. Saggy eyes, grey skin, crumbling fingers.

Disintegration. Mentally. Physically. With everything lost, and everything new. Priorities change. Emotions change. Surroundings change. She is hurtling into empty space. Accelerating towards a void, with no clutch and failed brakes. Her tears become too familiar. Her smiles too distant. With no elixir to rescue her out of her misery, she swallows caffeine and more caffeine indiscriminately. As she opens her hard drive of her past, she gets hit by an overwhelming wave of alarm. The alarm, which alerts her of nothingness infiltrating her blood. That blood, which now flows in chaos, leaking out of her ruptured veins.

She has suffered many losses in her new life.  Plenty of rejections too. She is shedding her skin skin and loosing her hair with her teeth falling out. She is old. She is weak. She is vulnerable. Penetrable. Perforated. Damaged. Inside and outside. Her quotient is stronger than ever, but not her moral one. She is losing. She is falling. She is dying.

She is in a cocoon. Trapped. With no way to go but forward. Metamorphosis. That’s what it’s called. A peaceful impression, sadly, doesn’t last long. She was a caterpillar, waiting to become a butterfly, but now she is neither. She is fluid and fickle.  Ever-changing, but never ever-lasting. She may not be the only victim, but she feels so alone. Always at the bottom of the world. Reaching the boiling core, the center of all misery. Waiting to get charred to death. Or miraculously escape. But escape burnt. And roasted. featherless, With an ominous silence hung over me.

-MM

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